A chance meeting...sometimes that's all it takes. A chance
conversation...sometimes that's all you need. A chance....sometimes makes
it happen. A chance to open up and feel something, to allow yourself to
actually connect ... a chance to remind you that you are human.
I've gone through the past year of my life with a wall up... I
couldn't bare the thought of allowing anyone to get close to me after the
feathers I had allowed to swirl on my gust of wind. Their gusts were more
like a windstorm that ruined my colours and my vibrance leaving me in a pile of
well...shit. Just when I finally cleaned myself off I allowed a
feather in a hurricane to lift me up and swirl me like Dorothy in her
house and drop me off in a bad version of OZ. This oz had no Lion,
Tinman, Scarecrow or a Yellow Brick Road leading me to the Emerald City.
It was more a beast, can's of beer and a fire that ignited every time I took
another step on the egg shell road which led into a deep dark world of lies and
demoralization.
A crashed scooter with the result of a hospital visit and a broken
arm, a trashed hotel room, infidelity, words of hatred and disgust, money
lost... I saw the signs but I was pulled so deep into this nightmare version of
OZ I didn't know how to get myself out. Most of the people in my life
didn't know and are possibly just hearing this for the first time. I was
embarrassed, I didn't want anyone to know so I painted a picture and made up
excuses but those around me stepped back and those that didn't I tried to sugar
coat every thing for them. But that's all it is, a coating which breaks
away and cracks after awhile letting you see what's underneath.
It wasn't easy, I had to work my way through a hurricane to find
my way back to the world. It took months of personal growth and support
from well... I guess you could say my Glenda (is that her name?). This
person did everything they could to make sure I was okay, supporting me, being
there when I would breakdown and cry for hours, reminding me of my colours and
my inner beauty that I believed I no longer had. I was tattered, bent and
now looked like a dull sun-bleached feather and felt the same. However,
each day I cleaned the dust off and started seeing my colours again. Then
I took a chance.
A chance...an opportunity to hop on my gust and float to
Mexico. I took it, I needed some personal therapy...I wasn't running
away, I wanted to focus on me and take care of number 1. But, to
every action there is a reaction and, in this case, it was to shut everything
off. No connections or emotions were to be involved and definitely no
relationships...this was my "no zone." I wasn't going to allow
other feathers to affect my emotions so I could be left in the leftovers of
chaos. It worked! I was living the best me with a confidence I felt
exuded from me like sunshine. I really felt incredible and for the first
time in 3 years I felt beautiful and worth something. But I was hard. No
cares, no bullshit and had no issues calling people out...and surprisingly this
worked too, telling it how it was and saying how I felt worked! It was
nice to actually stand up for myself.
I had no heartache or bad regrets, I had nothing but beautiful
times all without tears or attachment. With the life of a feather this
made it so much easier, I wasn't crying and saddened about saying goodbye to
others...I was accepting and happy just for them being in my life.
India however has been different. I have been disconnected
from others around me...never finding a bond with anyone or the enjoyment I
felt in Mexico but I have kept going not giving up. Don't get me wrong I
have met some great people but it hasn't been the same.
Everyone around me has been on this incredible spiritual journey
but for me it has been non-of that, I have felt nothing spiritual at all and
I've been struggling with that.
But then I realized, I don’t
need an awakening or meditation to find my inner me or find myself...in fact it
was the opposite. I had my own practice of cultivating happiness and positivity
into my life, I knew who I was and felt that I am on the right path, I don't
feel lost at all. I had my spiritual experience in Mexico...that's where
it all fell into place for me and even though I thought I needed to...I didn't
need to come to India to find it...it took me up until a week ago to realize
this. Even with this realization though, I’m still disconnected from others as
with most people here I don’t really have a common ground so I tend to keep to
myself mostly.
Then, a chance meeting over coffee just a nice conversation with a
stranger. Within hours it turned into a friendship which then hours after
that turned into two feathers in a chaos together. I decided instead of
just enjoying I would allow myself to open up and feel just a little bit.
It wasn't easy, and I struggled with myself and my feelings, trying to exit
this joint chaos but then asking "will I regret not even taking a
chance. Is it safe to let myself enjoy and free my emotions? Can I
take a chance of the pain it will cause when it's over?" as there is
always an expiration date over your head. The dreaded death date
that kills me every time, the dreaded death date that always makes me spin out
of orbit.
Was it the right decision to allow myself to feel even for a short
time...could I allow myself even a small connection...could I allow myself to
feel...could I allow myself to feel human? It had been a year since I
allowed anyone to see my heart and my plan was to keep it that way...but what
if? I mean...I always have the choice to leave the chaos.
It's a beautiful feeling to connect with someone, especially
with someone who loves the colours of your feather and swirls with you at a
perfect velocity just to ruffle you up a bit but just enough to keep you safe
and then gently put you down when they have to keep floating.
Was it an easy experience...no...I like to keep myself guarded to
keep myself safe...I’ve experienced a lot of bullshit and heartache to last
anyone a life time. Allowing someone to come in for a short period and
leave after I have opened up and allowed any sort of emotion is killer and the
after effects are not something I am emotionally equipped for.
Was it worth it?
I need to protect myself not just physically, but mentally and
emotionally as well and I’ve worked really hard this past year to reach a point
of happiness while still keeping myself from emotional and mental hurt as
well as abuse. But I gave in....
...and it was beautiful. It felt so good to connect,
difficult but beautiful. This chaos we were in, opened my eyes to things
about me and my life. I experienced so much beauty, understanding and calmness
lol things that I don't usually experience while floating with others. If
anything, I have come out with more understanding of myself and what I want. A leap of faith in trusting a joint chaos was
a huge step and it was the perfect way to end an incredible year. So
yes, it was worth it, everything that got me here was worth it...yes even the
bad version of OZ. Sometimes we need to be broken down to build ourselves
into who we are meant to be. I have no regrets because with out these
mistakes we will never learn and without these mistakes I wouldn't be where I
am today and I like where I am and who I have grown into and if I had regrets
then I would regret where I am and I do not regret where I am.
If this past week of actual emotion has taught me anything
it's this.... It's okay to be guarded but it's okay to feel as well; you
just need to find a balance somewhere and that's something I need to work
on. Also, maybe being open and honest with someone and sharing
yourself isn't such a bad thing but only if it's the right person. I
really didn't mind sharing my gust of wind with another feather, it was really
nice to float with another for awhile.
I am so grateful for this feather who came into my life who just
swirled with me so easily, respectfully with understanding and compassion and
accepting my colours and me theirs with no talk of alteration...our gusts fit
so well together and it was so beautiful. No regrets…maybe some sadness but
still pure honesty and openness…pure beauty, a chance I’m happy I took.
If I can give you some advice for the new year it's this:
Everything happens for a reason...I truly believe this!!!
Mexico was a rough ride in the beginning but everything that happened showed me
a beautiful result in the end...so not matter what it is bad or good, sadness a
bad version of OZ your egg shell road will always take you where you need to go
even if you get sidetracked it will always lead you to your gust of wind ... it
never leaves you...it will always wait. So even if you feel that you've
hit rock bottom remember you can't go any lower, all you can do is start moving
up... the universe will never give you more than you can handle.
Don't let anyone out there fuck with your heart!!! Don't let
anyone destroy your feather and let you feel ugly and leave you in your own
version of a bad family movie. Know your worth and know who you
are. Don't feel it's selfish to take care of number 1 because in the end
you are the most important person in your life. Be careful who you let in
and don't be afraid to say how you feel or to call someone else out. But
don't be so closed off that you can’t float with another for awhile...don't
deprive yourself of the joy and beauty of sharing a chaos with someone else
because in the end you are depriving yourself of a beautiful
experience...find your balance, take a leap of faith, don’t have regrets and…take
a chance, find your colours.
Mine are blue, and guacamole green :)
Happy New Year!
- My Beautiful Life. -
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