Love in My Heart

I'm not gonna lie and say I love India, but I also can't say I hate India.  I think we have a bit of a love hate relationship.  India has been my dream for as long as I can remember and it has been probably the most challenging place I have ever been too.

I have learned to try not to understand India and just (try) to go with it - even though it is not easy all the time.

I didn't really have the excitement in me that I usually have for places, even in Goa.  I loved Goa but didn't always like it.  I found it a bit pretentious to be honest.  I met some extremely rude people there but also some amazing people there.  I sometimes wondered if they were being their true selves or if it was all a show because they were in Goa.  It seemed like some of the things there were a little over the top at times.  One night at the hippie market (on the beach at sunset), I saw this woman walking, slow and straight through the crowd as if she was royalty while some guy cleared a pathway for her.  Maybe she was practicing walking with awareness but I'm not sure.

There was the older couple who would walk the streets with a stereo and microphones singing "Hari Krishna" through the streets.  Then at night I would see them on the beach still singing but with a circle of people around them.  Though, they always did put a smile on face.

After my feather left I went through emotions I hadn't felt in awhile but I also learned some things about myself that really helped me to understand a deeper part of me.  I ended up deciding to give in a little bit and join the others in a night at a club which was fantastic!!!  Then two days later we sat and day drank and then went to a reggae music festival.  Now I am not one for reggae but this was amazing!!!  Actually, it was pretty epic!!!  The music was a live concert, the people I was with were fantastic, the drinks were good, the vibe was good and my heart actually opened up to the music a little bit...I felt a little awakened and like myself...I let loose!!!  It was amazing and the perfect way to spend my last weekend in Goa!

Yes, that's right...last weekend.  I decided to meet Nick and Anouschka (the couple I met in Rajasthan with James) in Thailand.  I figured it was time to go.  I need a change of scenery.

However, I didn't realize how much of my heart was in Goa,  my last day was quite emotional and I shed some tears.  I was really sad to leave my hut... I know it sounds funny but I was really attached to it and I felt like leaving it I was leaving behind a part of  me and my special feather, that I was letting go.  I also didn't realize how much Goa became a bit like home and started feeling the love of things I didn't realize I liked so much...walking through the streets, the people I had met, walking on the beach, eating corn, my two favourite restaurants, the sound of the ocean 24 hours a day in my hut and the amazing people I had just spent my weekend with.  But, even though I felt sad I was leaving at the best time...I was leaving India with so much love in my heart and a big love for Goa, looking back it seems like it was all a dream but it was a great dream!

With my hut looking empty and tears in my eyes, I hopped in a cab and made the two hour drive to the airport.  When I checked my baggage I knew I was going to be over on weight.  I was allowed 20 kg  for free and then had to pay for any extra.  I was at 22.8 kg's.  "You have to pay." Said the girl.  "Yes no problem but just for the extra 2.8 Kg's right?"  She spoke to the girl at the counter beside her.  "Where is she flying to?"  "Thailand."  "It's international, don't worry about it."   Amazing!!!  Happy Emmie!!! I then had a  3 hour wait for a 50 minute flight to Bangalore where I had a 6 hour layover.  I was so exhausted.  I had woken up at 6am on my last day and didn't even nap...to top it off I was super hungry by 7am and the airport food was either something I didn't like or overpriced and was unwilling to spend that much...though I finally settled for a shitty omelet.  It's a good thing I did though as my next flight to Bangkok ... well... apparantly the airline I was flying with isn't; umm...I guess you would say fully operational?  They don't offer anything for free!!!  Not even tea!!!  You can only get water for free or pay for everything.  I was annoyed but I was so exhausted I spent most of the flight sleeping.  I literally fell asleep as soon as I got in my seat, but I of course had to wake-up for take off - my least favourite part of flying. 

I found the airport system in India long but very organized.  You have to wait inline just to get into the airport, they check your confirmation and your passport.  You can check in way before. Then I went through customs in two seconds, they check your bag before it gets loaded at the check in.  Sometimes, the left hand didn't know what the right hand was doing but I found it pretty simple and maybe even a bit of a time saver.

I'm not leaving India for good.  I am planning on going back but I really needed to take a break,  I feel it's been a very intense 3.5 months and need to step away for a bit and go back knowing what to expect.  I am still  waiting for myself to fall in love with India.... I made it happen in Mexico so I am sure I can do the same with India.

I am happy to say I am leaving India with so much love in my heart.

Now I am in Bangkok and........
Well, that's the next blog!

Goodbye Goa,   thank you.  Till next time.

                                               - My Beautiful Life -

A Chance Meeting, A Beautiful Chaos

A chance meeting...sometimes that's all it takes. A chance conversation...sometimes that's all you need.  A chance....sometimes makes it happen.  A chance to open up and feel something, to allow yourself to actually connect ... a chance to remind you that you are human.

I've gone through the past year of my life with a wall up... I couldn't bare the thought of allowing anyone to get close to me after the feathers I had allowed to swirl on my gust of wind.  Their gusts were more like a windstorm that ruined my colours and my vibrance leaving me in a pile of well...shit.  Just when I finally cleaned myself off I allowed a feather in a hurricane to lift me up and swirl me like Dorothy in her house and drop me off in a bad version of OZ.  This oz had no Lion, Tinman, Scarecrow or a Yellow Brick Road leading me to the Emerald City.  It was more a beast, can's of beer and a fire that ignited every time I took another step on the egg shell road which led into a deep dark world of lies and demoralization.

A crashed scooter with the result of a hospital visit and a broken arm, a trashed hotel room, infidelity, words of hatred and disgust, money lost... I saw the signs but I was pulled so deep into this nightmare version of OZ I didn't know how to get myself out.  Most of the people in my life didn't know and are possibly just hearing this for the first time.  I was embarrassed, I didn't want anyone to know so I painted a picture and made up excuses but those around me stepped back and those that didn't I tried to sugar coat every thing for them.  But that's all it is, a coating which breaks away and cracks after awhile letting you see what's underneath.

It wasn't easy, I had to work my way through a hurricane to find my way back to the world.  It took months of personal growth and support from well... I guess you could say my Glenda (is that her name?).  This person did everything they could to make sure I was okay, supporting me, being there when I would breakdown and cry for hours, reminding me of my colours and my inner beauty that I believed I no longer had.  I was tattered, bent and now looked like a dull sun-bleached feather and felt the same.  However, each day I cleaned the dust off and started seeing my colours again.  Then I took a chance.

A chance...an opportunity to hop on my gust and float to Mexico.  I took it, I needed some personal therapy...I wasn't running away, I wanted to focus on me and take care of number 1.  But, to every action there is a reaction and, in this case, it was to shut everything off.  No connections or emotions were to be involved and definitely no relationships...this was my "no zone."  I wasn't going to allow other feathers to affect my emotions so I could be left in the leftovers of chaos.  It worked!  I was living the best me with a confidence I felt exuded from me like sunshine.  I really felt incredible and for the first time in 3 years I felt beautiful and worth something. But I was hard.  No cares, no bullshit and had no issues calling people out...and surprisingly this worked too, telling it how it was and saying how I felt worked!  It was nice to actually stand up for myself.

I had no heartache or bad regrets, I had nothing but beautiful times all without tears or attachment.  With the life of a feather this made it so much easier, I wasn't crying and saddened about saying goodbye to others...I was accepting and happy just for them being in my life.  

India however has been different.  I have been disconnected from others around me...never finding a bond with anyone or the enjoyment I felt in Mexico but I have kept going not giving up.  Don't get me wrong I have met some great people but it hasn't been the same.  

Everyone around me has been on this incredible spiritual journey but for me it has been non-of that, I have felt nothing spiritual at all and I've been struggling with that.

But then I realized, I don’t need an awakening or meditation to find my inner me or find myself...in fact it was the opposite.  I had my own practice of cultivating happiness and positivity into my life, I knew who I was and felt that I am on the right path, I don't feel lost at all.  I had my spiritual experience in Mexico...that's where it all fell into place for me and even though I thought I needed to...I didn't need to come to India to find it...it took me up until a week ago to realize this. Even with this realization though, I’m still disconnected from others as with most people here I don’t really have a common ground so I tend to keep to myself mostly.

Then, a chance meeting over coffee just a nice conversation with a stranger.  Within hours it turned into a friendship which then hours after that turned into two feathers in a chaos together.  I decided instead of just enjoying I would allow myself to open up and feel just a little bit.  It wasn't easy, and I struggled with myself and my feelings, trying to exit this joint chaos but then asking "will I regret not even taking a chance.  Is it safe to let myself enjoy and free my emotions?  Can I take a chance of the pain it will cause when it's over?" as there is always an expiration date over your head.   The dreaded death date that kills me every time, the dreaded death date that always makes me spin out of orbit.  

Was it the right decision to allow myself to feel even for a short time...could I allow myself even a small connection...could I allow myself to feel...could I allow myself to feel human?  It had been a year since I allowed anyone to see my heart and my plan was to keep it that way...but what if?  I mean...I always have the choice to leave the chaos.  

It's a beautiful feeling to connect with someone, especially with someone who loves the colours of your feather and swirls with you at a perfect velocity just to ruffle you up a bit but just enough to keep you safe and then gently put you down when they have to keep floating.

Was it an easy experience...no...I like to keep myself guarded to keep myself safe...I’ve experienced a lot of bullshit and heartache to last anyone a life time.  Allowing someone to come in for a short period and leave after I have opened up and allowed any sort of emotion is killer and the after effects are not something I am emotionally equipped for. 

Was it worth it?

I need to protect myself not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well and I’ve worked really hard this past year to reach a point of happiness while still keeping myself from emotional and mental hurt as well as abuse.  But I gave in....

...and it was beautiful.  It felt so good to connect, difficult but beautiful.  This chaos we were in, opened my eyes to things about me and my life. I experienced so much beauty, understanding and calmness lol things that I don't usually experience while floating with others.  If anything, I have come out with more understanding of myself and what I want.  A leap of faith in trusting a joint chaos was a huge step and it was the perfect way to end an incredible year.  So yes, it was worth it, everything that got me here was worth it...yes even the bad version of OZ.  Sometimes we need to be broken down to build ourselves into who we are meant to be.  I have no regrets because with out these mistakes we will never learn and without these mistakes I wouldn't be where I am today and I like where I am and who I have grown into and if I had regrets then I would regret where I am and I do not regret where I am.

If this past week of actual emotion has taught me anything it's this....  It's okay to be guarded but it's okay to feel as well; you just need to find a balance somewhere and that's something I need to work on.  Also, maybe being open and honest with someone and sharing yourself isn't such a bad thing but only if it's the right person.  I really didn't mind sharing my gust of wind with another feather, it was really nice to float with another for awhile.

I am so grateful for this feather who came into my life who just swirled with me so easily, respectfully with understanding and compassion and accepting my colours and me theirs with no talk of alteration...our gusts fit so well together and it was so beautiful. No regrets…maybe some sadness but still pure honesty and openness…pure beauty, a chance I’m happy I took.

If I can give you some advice for the new year it's this:

Everything happens for a reason...I truly believe this!!!  Mexico was a rough ride in the beginning but everything that happened showed me a beautiful result in the end...so not matter what it is bad or good, sadness a bad version of OZ your egg shell road will always take you where you need to go even if you get sidetracked it will always lead you to your gust of wind ... it never leaves you...it will always wait.  So even if you feel that you've hit rock bottom remember you can't go any lower, all you can do is start moving up... the universe will never give you more than you can handle.

Don't let anyone out there fuck with your heart!!!  Don't let anyone destroy your feather and let you feel ugly and leave you in your own version of a bad family movie.  Know your worth and know who you are.  Don't feel it's selfish to take care of number 1 because in the end you are the most important person in your life.  Be careful who you let in and don't be afraid to say how you feel or to call someone else out.  But don't be so closed off that you can’t float with another for awhile...don't deprive yourself of the joy and beauty of sharing a chaos with someone else because in the end you are depriving yourself of a beautiful experience...find your balance, take a leap of faith, don’t have regrets and…take a chance, find your colours.

Mine are blue, and guacamole green :) 

Happy New Year!

                                                     - My Beautiful Life. -